I'm worried someone is gonna take a black light to my work computer. But the connection is faster here.
i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
No, seriously, I've slept with 3 guys this month.
It's ok, February is a short month
what i'd really like is a nice helping of naked boyfriend with a side of naked boyfriend.
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
He and his ex stood there talking about going to get Chinese food while I was half naked searching for my panties
It was ok until his mom walked in and asked if he turned on the crock-pot...
Randomize
