I think im going to throw up on grandma
i broke up with my boyfriend last night because i had to eat a freezy pop in every color and he ate the last blue one. i sat on the floor and cried for an hour at least. everyone left. so i decided that this whole weed thing isnt really healthy for my relationships.
you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Beer is about to convince me to do something really stupid.
Just found 2 diff. colored pubes in my underwear..new record.
apparently i was cut off before i even walked in
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
Your slutty phase was the highlight of my year.
Just letting you know that your little sister is now your eskimo brother. You can send a thank you edible arrangement to Tammy.
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