As of tonight I have officially had sex during every Disney movie.
im pretty sure thats the first step to being a pedafile
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
Just saw a crackhead get taken down by pd in the canal. Its offically spring
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
This is the third time that ive slept with him. He bought me more milk. I can feel the romance growing.
Tommorow.Eggs Benedict and surprise blowjob day
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
I don't care how great the sex was, I cannot unsee what has been seen. I regret ever stalking his Facebook.
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
Randomize
