my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
Im in Brooklyn, he wasnt 23 or a musician pick me up
Why does everyone think all I do is drink? I go to class on wednesdays
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
She was ugly to the point i wanted to brush my teeth after looking at her
the last thing i remember was trying to convince him to call over his girlfriend so we could have a threesome
Shaking her cervix like it's the hottest ticket around
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
Pretty sure I scared him off for good. The lesbian in me is ecstatic.
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
Based on your 5AM twitter activity I gather you found MORE FREE COKE??
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
Randomize
