non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
she was giving me head and that cheryl crow 'youre favorite mistake' song came on. she looks up and all i could do was nod
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
I'm making tacos. Give me one good reason why we shouldn't be high while eating those tacos.
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
HELP THE ONLY THING THAT'S HELPING ME DISTINGUISH BETWEEN THE TWO OF THEM IS THE DIRECTION OF THEIR WINKY FACES OMFG
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
He sent a video of him jacking off....class will be awkward tomorrow
I was giving him a handjob in the woods and a family walked by
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
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