He asked me if I "almost moaned"
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
I'm with the cops, Trish's gay husband stabbed himself and is framing her for attempt of murder and I'm dressed 4 the club I'm wearing leather pants leather jacket leather boots and black club top. Embarrassed
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