The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
He just ordered a bottle of Beam at an Italian place for us to share.
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
hahahaha classic. this is why you are going to a college with a hospital right next to it
If I had your ass I would rule the world
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
Randomize
