i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
I miss the smell of you or some shit.
He had bigger boobs than me last night and we both weren't wearing a bra so it was a fair judgement
Drink a bottle I wine by yourself? Treat yo self
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
I feel as though my head has drastically changed shape
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
I just my had my first cup of coffee in a week. I think I might orgasm.
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
Actually, my eyes didn't start bleeding until the next day. So it was a pretty awesome night overall.
Randomize
