It's a good deal. He teaches me how to longboard, then we have sex
She started acting like she was actually a deaf person...so I went along with it and acted like her interpreter. I don't think anyone bought it.
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
Tell me you didn't really piss in the hookah.
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
Randomize
