he's chasing his jose cuervo with hot tub water
you're dressed like that and you're on the rag, that's false advertisment
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
I've eaten cheese dip for three consecutive meals. I think I need to branch out.
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
We had a threesome and he gave us bottle rockets and a lamp for our apartment
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
Please just help me figure out where the bruise on my face came from.
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
