the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
Intervention is following me on twitter.
wow.
I knew it was different as soon as you told me you slept with him and didn't tell me about his dick
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
I'm going to be drunk and braless all weekend. Let the festivities begin!
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
