My liver just broke up with me...
I texted him about a book we both like. I was expecting a "ya great book... let's bone" response. It didn't work
Only in college do people pre-game a meteor shower
She started to tell me how she goes to a shrink, so I started thinking how to sneak out of her place, then she said part of it was for her sex addiction, long story short she's got her clit peirced n I just got laid
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
Wet should excavate the hamsters out of the front yard n give them a proper burial.
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
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