I guess calling a coworker a lesbian sea cow is some kind of violation.
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
he was shitfaced drunk and couldn't walk but could still recite the top 10 in order from the first season of american idol. impressive
I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
The hotel had a helipad. Of course we had sex on it.
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
That was the most spiritually awakened shit I have ever taken.
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
