i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.
I guess you don't remember pouring tequila in the dog bowl and slurping it.
We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
A 300 lb dude in a sundress yelling bible verses while wearing a raggedy anne wig is just as funny as I thought it would be. Thank you san francisco.
Briing, briiing- tricycle ridden. Where is my crown?
Stayed out til 7 am.... Did u know there's a guy who goes up and down the quad at that hour playing bagpipes?
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
It's a Saturday night and I am in bed with two cats, a bottle of Riesling, and I'm masturbating to Iron Man. I'm great at being 21.
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
Randomize
