The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
bad to tell him im pregnant over fbook chat?
I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
And also ice skating can blow me. Goodnight, love you!
Randomize
