He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
He's a fucking asshole. Who gives good head. And seriously I have never seen someone less committed to hair color
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
rock bottom is drinking straight vodka from a protein shaker, singing one direction and crying alone in your room. exams.
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
He asked if I could not say his name during sex cause he liked the girl in the apartment above me.
Would it be inappropriate to meet you at the airport after your family vacation so I can tell you all about the amazing sex I have been having?
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
Randomize
