i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
Took "drink until he's cute" to a whole new level last night...
She just got on the scale. frowned, got off and took off her pants and then got back on
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
Randomize
