I do no wrong. I am always right. Right? I forget why I am sending this. It seemed relevant.
Somewhere at this very moment, a group of drunk white girls are singing dont stop believing.
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
is it possible that there's a used condom holding pennies in my bra? I'm so confused on what happened last night...
I thought 4 percs were too many but I'm dumping Gogurt on apple pie and taking giant bong rips. This feels right.
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
Would seriously like to slash his tires but then I feel like I'd have to deal with him longer.
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
Randomize
