strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
Plotting your own moral demise should not be this fun
I've developed breathing exercises to keep myself from puking..
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
If we both stop thinking about your penis for just a moment, we'd realize it is important and good that you are spending quality time with your family
It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore!
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
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