FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
im walking the streets of bville with a bag of cat food..looking for my car. i dont ever want to turn 21 again.
I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
...And then you kept screaming "cock mouth" in her face every time she tried to talk.
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
Damn, I just did coke with a dude in a bathroom and after he took his dick out right in front of me and took a piss. What a power move.
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