Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
So I walked out of my room and there was my brother....standing naked
I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
just remember the most important rule of taking psychedelics: monsters can't get through blankets
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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