i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
i am not above fucking your little sister on your bed
Did I show you my penis last night?
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
Yes, he did use his cock to direct traffic from my 3rd story window. That's why I love him
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
She had a belly button piercing in the shape of a cross. Talk about mixed messages.
I know I don't have feelings for him because I feel completely ashamed every time after we have sex
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
YOURE ABOUT TO SEE SO MUCH UNCIRCUMCISED DICK
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
1 fuck you 2 fuck her 3 ur forgiven 4 im breaking up with her
I HATE BEING THIS HIGH FML IT'S LIKE I'M MAKING UP FOR ALL THE 4:20S I DIDNT DO ALL AT ONCE
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