So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
sold 4 oz of weed today pantsless. man i love college.
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
In an unrelated matter, im gonna eat you out so much later.
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
I got a charlie horse in my ass while masturbating. We are never been going to that boot camp again.
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
i think i'm just going to start having sex with his brother, he's much hotter and it would definately be less illegal.
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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