I will die if light touches me.
Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
I was told to keep my leg elevated. I assume it means to keep my legs on the air, it's like I was prescribed to be slutty
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
Look, you're talking to the wrong girl here. Tacos>dick always and forever
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
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