Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
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also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
So update from last night: I made friends with a coke dealer, I tore the card scanner off the wall of my dorm, and I passed out on our bathroom counter with my head in the sink.
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
Idk man, she was drunker than me and i was sitting there talking to a raccoon about it's broken leg.
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On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
i showed up really high and was trying to not be,so in order to not seem high, i got plastered
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
He bent me in ways I couldn't imagine.. and im a gymnast.
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
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