Random question, how's your gag reflex these days
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
The last two times I had sex with him I forgot who it was half way through
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
Randomize
