The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
Dude... there's chunks of hair all over the floor, and no one knows how they got there. You guys just made out right?
Well if he truly loves me he will just have to accept my flaws. And that includes a tequila dependency and borderline lesbianism.
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
I can't stop drooling did you spike my drink?
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
How do u even exfoliate your vagina
He gave me an orgasim so fantastic that I had an asthma attack.
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
He hit me with his bagpipe
Isnt that against the lesbian handbook?
God. Spice Girls is now grocery store demographic. Kill me.
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