i dont care that its taken 20 hrs to pee without hurting, BEST HATE SEX EVER.
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to concentrate on legal issues with the ghost of his giant penis in me?
He sent me a picture; erect penis, cat in hand and no pants on. He got a boob pic for that one.
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
He did 5 five hand stand push ups and took off his shirt for a barbarian flex. Some girl took off her shirt and threw it at him
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
I'm pretty sure our sex is better than most foods and that says a lot too bc I really like food
I'm worried about how taking care of my mom's dog while being on acid will go.
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
I'm about to go get lunchables and alcohol. Take that adulthood
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