we used that portable toilet as a cooler to keep coronas. next person who tells me hospitals arn't fun needs to come party in rm 180.
I am like the Mr. Miyagi of queefs.
this is ridiculous... i look like a white version of MC Hammer...
You were so drunk last night you typed www.face.come/cheese.com as if you were logging into facebook.
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
You had your dick do your apologizing for you last night. Apology accepted.
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
We both shit in the same closet in Santa Fe. Nothing is sacred anymore.
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
Randomize
