Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
There's a fat drunk walrus bitch here next to me and shes already puked and now falling on herself
OH FUCK NOW HER BOYFRIEND IS MAKING OUT WITH HER VOMIT HOLE
Sounds like a good blink 182 concert...
Be careful down there, Shane may have pooped on the carpet.
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
And then I told him since the day he walked away to get over what I went through he lost the boyfriend right to ask why my bed is broken.
I take full pride in being the one that broke ur bed. Want to go for the sofa?
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
who knew rolling through the dorm on a scooter in footie pajamas would attract so many guys. he said i'm his soulmate.
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