Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
i am too hungover to go to class can you just call me and put it on speaker phone
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
The highlight of the night was definitely when you starting telling ppl you could shapeshift and "proved" that by stripping.
The orgasm I got from him made me feel almost as good as I imagine the girls in the tampon commercials feel.
Yo whoever left a thong on the dining room table, first of all get help second of all please remove it now
It was rocky mountain showdown of course we got shitfaced and talked about eating buffaloes
Please tell me you haven’t left campus yet!!!! I forgot my Hitachi and will not survive Thanksgiving without a steady supply of orgasms
I’m not saying you’re wrong, I’m just saying he’s denying what you’re saying.
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
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