Yeah...you.wanna.hang.out.tomorrow?My.space.button.is.broken.
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
This got awkward about two "Oh yeah"s ago.
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
There is nacho cheese and blood everywhere.
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
High enough to ask the woman at best buy if she ever feels like she's swimming. and telling the man outside that he smells like happy juice.
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
You would be so proud at how green we're being. Re-using last night's jello shot containers.. saving the world one step at a time
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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