My nipple is on Facebook.
SECOND walk of shame from the westside Hilton, SECOND foreign family w kids staring at me in my dress, glitter purse, spiky heels and booze breath. I said I was going to church. More confusion.
Just saw the liqour store owner get into a mercedes, almost proud to be responsible for that
Give me one situation where peeing in your garage could be a bad idea
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
If I wanted to fuck someone, I'd go for John. I'm meeting Bryan cuz I wanna get to know him better. And eventually fuck him. But not this Tuesday.
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
You know what? I bet HE would do stormtrooper roleplay with me. I'm in.
He always finds the good stuff. He's like a truffle pig for bud.
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Randomize
