Ok seriously, can we bring back badminton?
Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
Seriously dude, you need to stop beating off to the ellen show, it's just weird.
thats the only time ive ever had sloppy firsts
my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
What's his name?? He crossfits 6 times a week, works in finance & is into the occasional felony class drug. His name is irrelevant in order to know if I wanna bone him again.
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
my roommates gone so i can take codeine and sleep naked
Randomize
