My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
there is a polo shirt epidemic at this bar. also, im pretty sure i just saw the grown-up coppertone baby
there's just something about her that screams "i'm into chicks who wear flannel"
you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
okay, prove you're not drunk to me. write 5 true sentences about me with correct grammar.
I am sober. Because I don't drunk. It is bad. People die. I like Domenico because o he bag women what up?
CANT TOUCH THIS JUST CAME ON MY IPOD. LOVE STEVE JOBS
he climbed up to our party on the 2nd floor balcony and then pulled a glass mug and a beer from his knapsack. these freshmen are intense
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
I didn't think four grown drunk men could cuddle on a twin size bed, but we found a way.
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
I am a bad person
You slept with him. Was it good?
I wasnt going to but I was too lazy to blow up the air mattress
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