I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
They let you pick the name that they announce for you at graduation. The professional world needs to prepare itself for papa smurf mcdonald.
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
Had to go to the urgent for a physical and I gave them my fake. Nurse was a sport though
All I know is....there's beer in my camera. How do I know? Because I can pick up my camera,shake it and HEAR, the beer in it
I still think he fell and scraped his elbow and lost his credit card buying 8 hot chocolates for hobos
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
The last two times I had sex with him I forgot who it was half way through
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
STOP IT RIGHT NOW IM BEING A SINLESS CHILD OF GOD IN BED TRYING TO SLEEP AND YOURE SENDING ME MEMES ABOUT DICKS
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
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