How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
just a heads up, there may or may not be a mailbox full of the leftover beer on the table in your basement.
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
I'm at the point in my life where I'm trying to get guys I've fucked to give a ride to guys I'm going to fuck.
is it weird to think that girls born in '96 are now legal?
Doug will be the one to get my vagina. I don't know when or how but I'm now declaring that it is his. And he better not disappoint.
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
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