I need to buy a mesh tank top to fit in in Florida. Where do they even sell that shit?
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
I JUST ATE A STRANGE BURRITO, I SHOULD NOT BE EXPECTED TO KNOW ANYTHING RIGHT NOW.
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
Both of us came out of our rooms at the same time in boxers and sat on the couch. No words were spoken.
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
I don't understand why you're so excited, it's my vagina not yours.
I need to get off of her emotional roller coaster. I've been on it for a fucking year and I've been throwing up the entire time.
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
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