The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
There was a canoe full of alcohol. It was literally a boat load of fun
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
Thanks for coming to the hospital with me, In return, I will buy you ecstasy.
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
i had a mental breakdown over a math asignment proposed to a glass of chocolate milk then burned my hands when i acidentally leaned on the stove i have the grill marks burned on my hands i can see them
its only been 20 minuts since i last saw you
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
It will be too late. I will have fornicated with the enemy by then.
It was great. Somehow, sleeping with her sister cured everything!
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
Randomize
