Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
Why is it so hot and why are these the only pants in my life.
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
Well his dad is my dentist so they've both been in my mouth.
I don't know how much expertise I could offer. My best advice is, "don't drown, for god's sake don't drown"
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
Randomize
