you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
So...it's hour 4 of day 5 of week 7 of my internship, and so far all ive done is shred paper. all. day. long. it's like working for Enron.
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
We made out for three hours. Then she said she didn't sleep with redheads and left the party. So yes, I'm still drinking.
were drug buddies, doing lines off her ass is just a bonus
I just took my birth control with a water bottle I found in my purse with vodka in it in Spanish class. 10am is still too early for me.
We fucked then made friendship bracelets, his mother taught him right!
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
I got eaten out in the igloo at snow-kings castle last night.My thighs were literally melting ruts in the ice bench.Definitely colder than the minus 40 blowjob at Desiree's wedding
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