Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
he thinks the dog can do a keg stand. i will let you know how it turns out
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
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Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
I have to sanitize my nipples and its just to cold in here for it to be ok
Ok ladies its the usual spring break system. 5 for a guy, 10 for a non-lesbian girl and double points is its a group thing. Hottest guy of the day is an additional 15. GAME ON
He's practically not my boyfriend anymore. So let's go get some glitter, balloons, alcohol and forget this night ever happened.
That moment during finals day when you either convince your teacher to let you out of the room or you shit you pants.
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please let it be arousing that I used numbers to figure out how well I'd give you head
tinder day one and i already had more guys message me about "the girl with the big tits in my second picture" than about me. MY 17 YEAR OLD SISTER CAN GET LAID WITHOUT EVEN HAVING TO MAKING A PROFILE
to be fair she does have a great rack
i can't hookup with him because someone else bit my vagina
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
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