i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
I never doubt that you might be drinking at any moment.
i would never do something against you youre the best i ever had
please tell me you did not just intentionally quote drake..
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
Blood. All over. Pre coke adventure needs to slow down unless I'm involved
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
HE'S turngign 18teen real soon.k
If your relationships aren't working out because she doesn't have a penis THEN maybe you should give dudes another go
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
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