life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
I was thinking Sara Jessica Parker was hot. That high.
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
its friday night, im aone in my apartment and eating 2 year expired canned fruit, naked. i'm not single or anything..
I gave him head and we watched Fashion Police. somehow it wasn't awkard.
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
Lol he touched my butt after his grad party and a shooting star went by. No kidding. My ass is mystical.
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
He made her leave because she liked Top-Ramen better than Maruchaun. He's my hero.
Randomize
