Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
she was laying naked in the stream looking for "ribbays", which is apparently drunk for frogs.
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
I just broke a sweat shaving my own vagina. Something has got to change.
Second night back. Go to house party and played ring of fire. Me plus five other people completely naked. College wins.. It's going to be a long semester
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
It's all fun and games until you throw up hot cheetos in your drawer.
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
Randomize
