i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
I can't wait to go to grad school so I am not your high unemployed friend.
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
So everything was good he was big spoon I was little spoon and then I got peed on
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
he's single and there are thong briefs.
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