I'm in a strip club that reminds me of a crack house from the 80's.
I just made a milkshake without a blender... thats determination
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
there has got to be a maximum amount of semen a person can take in before they get some kind of poisoning.
Even the bar was yelling boobs, so of course the shirt came off
just made one giant jello shot... if i have to study on a saturday night, i'm gonna do it as drunk as possible
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
wow bdsm is so cute
Randomize
