Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
And then like 10 minutes later they were taking a bath together. HOW DOES HE DO IT.
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
Ya he's the booze devil, like if the black hole and Bermuda triangle joined forces with Captain Morgan
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
Yea. I feel great. My life is great. My job isn't as shitty. And my daddy loves me. I love strip clubs. Great self esteem boost.
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
Its really awkward pooping while on videochat. Even if you turn the video off.
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
Randomize
