he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
was it morally wrong to have used his girlfriends makeup after i fucked him?
What are the odds of finding the one hot Australian dude with erecile dysfunction?
So not only did you shoot down my invitation and prob walked past my house but now ur excluding me from a wet t shirt contest which btw i totally would have won
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
I feel like I should acknowledge that I see you as a human and not a ragdoll sex object
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
If you're signed up as "sober sister" can you do cocaine or nah
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
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