if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
If I weren't her cousin I'd take advantage of her and this low point in her life.
No, its ok. Im playing strip pretty pretty princess im currently dueling for the crown
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
is it acceptable to cross the border for sex?
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
So many people have told me I have great tits tonight, I'm unstoppable
Oh btw, ur tongue should count as a second cock it's that good
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