Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
I dont care about anyone or anything else I just want to make love to you on my air mattress
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
She's using our floating beer pong table as an air mattress to sleep on.
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
To be honest, waking up to 20 naked people in my house was not the weirdest thing to happen to me in the past 24 hours
It's not above me to sleep with him solely for his authentic budweiser shirt
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
I JUST NEEDED TO TELL YOU I JUST FUCKED TWO BOYS IN THE SPAN OF LIKE THREE HOURS AND ONE OF THEM WAS MY SISTERS PROM DATE FROM HIGH SCHOOL IM LOWKEY BOTH PROUD AND ASHAMED
I put on a face mask and masturbated for an hour... my face now has a green tint
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