I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
Let's pretend this is a good idea before I change my mind.
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
We don't have a ruler. Come downstairs and lay in the snow with a boner so we can see how much snow we've gotten. Put your 8 inches to a less shameful use.
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
We should totally stay in at new years, have sex and try to time orgasm to the countdown
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
HE TALKS ABOUT HIS DICK IN THIRD PERSON ABORT MISSION ABORT FUCKING MISSION
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
you gave me money for the cab and then walked home..
Randomize
