So i decided to deal with the awkwardness of last night by making out with all three of them
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
And our DD is passed out in the bathtub with the curtain closed. What happened tonight
Just made a jeopardy bj game. Every question has 10-50 seconds on it and if he's right that's how many he gets.
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
Randomize
