forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
Stripper fight on main stage. It just happened. And it was glorious.
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
What ever happened to the whole 'innocent until proven guilty' thing. Like 'not pregnant until proven pregnant'. That's how it should be...
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
He fell into the beer pong table and broke it. Then he threatened to throw the toliet at us if we didn't let him keep playing
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
I think he is using me to sort through his relationship issues, past and present. I did not sign up for this. All I want is booty. Am I the dude in this relationship?
I mean, it's good for a lot of things. Just not the inside of your vagina
Well neither is bbq sauce but I dont judge kinks
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