i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
Holy shit! This guy had his hands and feet handcuffed and was scooting across the interstate and we almost hit him because it was so dark. I hate Louisiana.
He lasted like 30 seconds. With a condom. I just expected more from the president of a frat.
Shark Week. Kick off begins Sunday. The drinking game has been upgraded to include jumping/breaching sharks and Jake's not allowed to bring the harpoon. Period.
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
These welts and bruises from letting gay boys whip my thighs last night are a clear indication i should lay off the tequila.
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
Id like to submit an apology whenever you feel like talking.
Its not gonna be for awhile Im not a very forgiving person especially since you TOTALED MY FUCKING CAR.
sober me thinks like you do. drunk me needs sober me's advice. am i allowed to go to his house?
i black out too much to be "responsible"
I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU STUCK YOUR DICK IN CRAZY!
Randomize
